Friday, July 3, 2009

Cavities, The True Cost of Terrorism

 WaiterTerrorism is all hell. Just try taking your four-ounce tube of toothpaste through security at an airport. The TSA won’t let you. They think you might be Al Qaeda trying to blow something up with it.

     Now we cannot take toothpaste with us on trips. We if must go on a long trip? For two weeks or more? We will all get cavities. To rid ourselves of cavities we will all to visit a dentist. I for one, fear dentists more than anybody no matter how well armed or fanatical.

     I hate you terrorists for this.

- Paul De Lancey, First Lord of Fun
Visit his website at www.lordsoffun.com

Posted by Paul De Lancey at 03:58:54 | Permalink | No Comments »

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Dentists and People

Easter bunny photo Did you ever think what would have happened to humanity if people could have only be born when dental instruments were placed in a woman’s mouth, say for teeth cleaning, instead of the traditional manner?

I think it’s safe to say that the world’s population would be less than six billion. Oh sure, there are millions of couples that would gladly exchange the cost and the horror of a visit to the dentist in exchange for a gurgling bundle of joy? But what if conception via teeth cleaning were not certain? What if you had to undergo, on average, two-hundred teeth cleanings, two tooth pullings, and eight root canals per baby born?

I think the human race would have died out by now. And let’s not forget that we didn’t have dentists, oh, until 100 A.D..  Humanity would never have gotten started. The first human, Lucy of 1823 Oldivai Gorge Road, would have never have found a dentist and so would never have had any offspring. No offspring from Lucy, no human race, no Poway, no baseball, no root beer.

This is all too horrible to contemplate. We should all get down on our knees and give thanks that this scenario never happened.

- Paul De Lancey, First Lord of Fun
visit his website at www.lordsoffun.com

Posted by Paul De Lancey at 01:59:42 | Permalink | No Comments »

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Have a Happy Period

    My wife has always told me not to have a period. Being a devoted husband, I have always avoided them, although in the interests of full disclosure I have had scant opportunities. Given what she’s said about them and what I’ve seen, she astounded me today by saying, “Have a happy period.”

    I thought this a strange joke on her part, but no she showed me a slip of paper that came with her pad. Not only was “Have a happy period” written in English, but in French as well. I felt myself in the presence of comedic genius or affable lunacy. What’s next? Perhaps:

On toilet paper: Have a pleasant poop. (I still say my idea of books on toilet paper is a winner.)

From dentists: We invite you to sit back and relax (Ok, they stole that one from the airlines.)

From morticians: You have arrived at your final destination. The weather is a balmy 282 degrees.

For those under a nighttime artillery barrage: Look there’s Orion, just above that shell burst.

From a CPA: You look great in red.

On garbage cans: Ah, the aroma!

At airline ticket counters: A great place to meditate.

At insane asylums: A great place to lose yourself.

On your car’s inflated airbag: I couldn’t wait to see you!

Paul R. De Lancey, First Lord of Fun

visit Paul’s website at www.lordsoffun.com

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