Does anybody know how to reach President Obama or Mr. Limbaugh? They are supposed to guest write my blog when I am on break. Well, I am on break and sad to say, they are neglecting their duties to carry on my post in my absence.
Paul De Lancey, First Lord of Fun
visit his website at www.lordsoffun.com
I was always raised to believe the best in everyone unless presented with unassailable evidence to the contrary. I know, I had always thought they had displayed lamentable judgment. I am now, however, prepared to tell the world something much harsher; the Taliban is an organization riven with ne’er do wells.
The Taliban’s actions can no longer be excused by youthful exuberance. Indeed, its fighters are marching toward Pakistan’s capital to capture that country’s nuclear weapons and it is still not ordering my novels, We’re French and You’re Not and The Fur West despite being given a substantial discount.
I am a reasonable man. I will take back calling the Taliban ne’er do wells if they EITHER give up trying to rip Pakistan apart to acquire its nuclear arsenal OR buy my books. The ball is in your court, Taliban.
- Paul De Lancey, First Lord of Fun
visit his website at www.lordsoffun.com
How come we have never heard any American president fart at a press conference? True, the percentage of one’s day devoted to tooting is rather small. However, by now our august leaders have logged tens of thousands of press conferences without a single toot. How many of us have even gone ten hours without letting it rip?
So how do they do it? Do they take Beano every morning? What about the presidents that talked to the press before Beano? Has every president given up beans and eggs?
I’m more than a bit worried. Tooting is a normal bodily function. Non-tooting belongs to the realm of pod-people. Have all our presidents been pod people placed here by aliens from outer space trying to take over America? It would explain a lot of things, particularly the last eight years.
Have the aliens already installed a pod-Obama? I think we should all sleep with one eye open.
- Paul R. De Lancey, First Lord of Fun
visit Paul’s website at www.lordsoffun.com
What is the most annoying, persuasive facet of our life? It is, of course, spam on our computer. Spam is broken down in three basic types: Viagra, ways to lengthen your penis, and offers to find money squirreled away by some ex-Nigerian dictator. All of this is really only useful to elderly, ex-Nigerian dictators trying to finance penis-lengthening operations. And how many of us fit that description?
What to do? How about eating the spammers? Only three problems occur to me. First, cannibalism is illegal in all fifty states; although I’m not entirely sue about such small territories such as Guam. Second, how do we find the spammers? Third, suggesting eating the offenders in an blog with the title of A Modest Proposal would plagiarize Jonathan Swift.
So, cannibalism is out. I never had much stomach for it anyway. I therefore pass on the following proposal to get rid of spam. Put a tax on all e-mail. Now hold your horses partner, let me finish. It would only be a small tax, say one-hundredth of a cent per e-mail recipient. If you only sent e-mail to five people every day it would take take twenty days to be taxed a cent and your annual e-mail tax would ome to 18c. Affordable, you bet.
And it would hurt the spammers who send out crap to to a million inboxes every day. We would tax them $100 a day. Ha, ha. It would shut down the e-mail vermin right quick.
But what about the billions of dollars that would flow into the federal coffers from this levy? Where should the money go? I’m glad you asked. Here are my suggestions.
1) Reduce the federal deficit.
2) Reduce taxes.
3) Fully fund the Federal Mushroom Eradication Program - FEP.
4) Subsidize the CowboyMetrics Society. (Helping out statistically challenged youth with cowboy values everywhere.)
5) Lower the price of cell-phone plans.
6) Putting much needed gourmet lunches in all cafeterias in all public schools, not just in Indiana.
7) Formation of SWAT teams to arrest all who don’t make their choices before getting to the fast-food counter.
9) Subsidize research into computers that NEVER freeze.
10) Throw a really big Fourth-of-July party at our nation’s capital, with free ice cream and everything.
- Paul R. De Lancey, First Lord of Fun
visit Paul’s website at www.lordsoffun.com
Well, the solution to these problems is so obvious. I mean, look at the following facts. About 75%* of Iraq’s population is 25 or under. The proportion of retired Americans is the highest it has ever been, about .6 to 1**.
So, Iraq has too many youngsters. What happens when you have too many young ones running around without adult supervision? They cause mischief. How many of you shot off a bottle rocket or lit a firecracker when your parents weren’t looking? Hands up? Be honest now. I know I did.
But Iraq has so many more young types than we ever did. They’re rambunctious and bored. And they have easy access to powerful explosives. So what do they do? Blow up firecrackers? No way! What kind of a statement would that make to a young Iraqi’s friends. Believe me, teenage peer pressure is like teenage peer pressure everywhere. So, they use the biggest explosives they can find.
America has the opposite problem. Every day, millions of our wonderful senior citizens sit in homes or nursing homes with no loved ones to visit them. Many of them require intensive, loving care. Do all of them get it? No. Some get impersonal care from strangers at great cost to their children. Others receive none.
Our work force is constantly shrinking in proportion to our retirees. This means the percentage of our income going to Social Security payments shrinks constantly. Another blow to the American dream for many of our workers.
So what can be done? I fear many of my astute readers are far ahead of me. It’s simple. We simply trade five million of our senior citizens for five million of Iraq’s 18-25 year olds. Iraq would lose oodles of its bomb-throwing ne’er-do-wells. Iraq’s vastly diminished supply of teenagers and young adults would feel considerably less social pressure to commit heinous acts of violence. Peace and tranquility would break out all over the suffering Middle East nation.
And the American elders transplanted to Iraq would have millions of adoring young Iraqi’s to look after them, to care for them, and to love them. And all those stories the young Iraqis and the elderly Americans had been telling for years would be new to each other. Great!
But what about those five million young Iraqis we would send to America? Well, given real economic opportunity they would roll up their sleeves and get down to work. Billions of their dollars would flow into Social Security’s coffers giving the system real stability.
What would the transplanted Iraqi’s do? Well, there seems to be an incessant need to tear up our nation’s roads for five years whether they need it or not. But “Aha,” you say. “Surely, some of those Iraqis are bad eggs. They’ll want to harm America. What about them?” You are right. It is sad to say that ungrateful people abound throughout the world. We will put these bad types to work ripping up our roads for five years, impeding traffic, lengthening the time to make trips, and frustrating the heck out of God-fearing Americans everywhere. They will never believe they are doing something we want even if we tell them.
There is no downside to this proposal and time is running out.
- Paul De Lancey, First Lord of Fun
visit Paul’s website at www.lordsoffun.com
* = Reasonably sure I heard something like this on my car radio. But traffic might have been really bad, and you know how it goes.
** = Okay, I think I heard something like this. A good ball-park figure, no?
Was it a sign of the end of the world? Should we be stocking up on mini-tacos?
All I know for sure that in my home town of Poway, cultural and ant capital of San Diego County, the ant population plunged last week. Specifically, they plunged to their deaths by the thousands in my home. In my CowboyMetrics side-by-side refrigerator. In the freezer section.
Why did they kill themselves in my refrigerator? Was it a long-postponed attempt to lay a guilt trip on me for that childhood ant farm? Where they all died? Honestly, I didn’t mean it. Perhaps I filled my farm with soldier ants from differing colonies. I’ll never know. I’ll just have to leave with the horrible uncertainty for the rest of my life.
Why did they commit mass suicide where they did? For a full day they streamed into the freezer section to meet their icy deaths. Who among us can really feel an ant’s angst? Were they exo-skeletal weary of the daily, relentless onslaught of spiders, lizards, Rustler’s Round Up ant traps, and the terrifying stomping action of the human foot? Did they finally say, “Enough, cruel world!”
Or was Norway stirring things up again? After all, this country brought us Viking raids and lutefisk, the worst-tasting, smelliest, glueist food the world has ever seen.
So, why can’t Norway’s dysfunctional lemmings infect Poway’s ants with their severe brand of defeatism? Before the days of cable TV, I doubt many Powegian ants ever heard of suicidal lemmings. Now, look what happens.
Mass extinctions of species by suicide. It might be the end of the world. Bummer. Or maybe, I’ve just invented a better ant trap.
- Paul De Lancey, First Lord of Fun
visit Paul’s website at www.lordsoffun.com
Love
My love is like a red, red rose
Covered with green, green aphids.
Hurry! Quick!
Spray my red, red rose with Aphids-B-Gon.
Now my red, red nose is aphid free.
At least metaphorically so.
Did using the Aphids-B-Gon
Pollute the love garden of the world?
Boy, I hope not!
Love is complicated.
Isn’t it?
Metaphors too,
- Paul De Lancey, First Lord of Fun
visit Paul’s website at www.lordsoffun.com
Dear Paul,
I have come across a bottle of La Poubelle Noire 1982 from the Le Sablier vineyard. It’s selling for the equivalent of $560. Should I buy it?
- Horace K., Akron, Ohio
Dear Horace,
Oh my goodness, only $560 a bottle! Buy it. Buy it! Buy as many as you can. You can easily sell it on Wine-bay for $1,220. And listen to what the 2006 Cowboy Wine Connoisseur says about this fine wine.
“Git along little doggies. This wine embodies all the fine, raucous insouciance of a buck-naked virgin a-whoopin’ and a-hollerin’ astride a rip-snortin’, man-killin’ mustang. Yep, this here fruit of the vine sure packs the punch of a cowpoke’s socks at the end of a cattle drive. A fine addition to anyone’s wine corral.”
- Paul De Lancey, First Lord of Fun
please visit Paul’s website at www.lordsoffun.com
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