Baseball is such a source of inspiration. Even the worst Major League pitchers succeed .700 of the time.
- Paul De Lancey, First Lord of Fun
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Everyone knows the Federal Deficit is huge, let’s say, nine trillion dollars. How can we raise that kind of money? Raise taxes? Not likely. Look for loose change under the sofa cushions at all the Federal Buildings. Perhaps, we could raise the odd billion that way, but we would still be way short.
I have the solution. America must annex all the other eight planets. For our purposes, we must consider Pluto a planet. Sure, all the other countries might consider that an act of aggression and imperialism. But what would they do about it? Would Greece go to war with us over Neptune? I doubt it.
We will auction off the naming rights to all the planets to major corporations in much the same way baseball teams auction the names to companies, e.g., Petco Park. A planet is much more prestigious than a ball park so its naming rights would cost a lot more.
How much more? A trillion dollars per planet, in fact. It would be nice if the initials of the sponsored planets remained the same so that our mnemonic devices would still hold. Be prepared to recite the following names:
McDonald’s
Viagra
Excedrin
Mars Bar
JV’s-a really good local, Mexican restaurant. I doubt, though, they have a trillion dollars
in their advertising budget.
Sears
Upjohn
Nabisco
Peter Pan
Paul De Lancey
Visit his website at www.lordsoffun.com
I found the following tourist destination on page 48 of my 2003 AAA Arkansas TourBook.
ARKANSAS ALLIGATOR FARM AND PETTING ZOO
“Augghh!”
Snap.
“Mommy, where’s Daddy?”
-Paul R. De Lancey, First Lord of Fun
visit his website at www.lordsoffun.com
You might be wondering how a day celebrating and encouraging people to punch other people in the nose came about. It doesn’t sound very nice. However, it serves two useful purposes.
First, it makes people really appreciate yesterday’s World Peace and Kindness Day. Second, it is a tentative step to world peace. If we can just get people to hit each other in the nose instead of shooting each other with AK-47s, wouldn’t the world be a better place?
Wouldn’t this Day and philosophy be a boon to the suffering folks of war-torn Afghanistan?
- Paul R. De Lancey, First Lord of Fun
Visit his website at www.lordsoffun.com
Yes, gentle readers, this is World Peace and Kindness Day. To celebrate, one must commit no acts of violence at all. This holds for everyone, even terrorists. Yes, I mean you. Don’t make me come back there.
So celebrate peace and kindness. Give those men who tried to clean out your village with their AK-47s a big hug and offer them a nice, frosty mug of root beer. See, if that gesture doesn’t make them your friends. And if doing so proves to be a mistake, you’ll never have to make it again.
- Paul De Lancey, First Lord of Fun
Visit his website at www.lordsoffun.com
There are not many instances where I have been better than a professional athlete. You might very well think there would be zero. But aha, there are two.
1) The Chargers-Patriot playoff game of a few year ago. There was maybe a minute left in the game. The Patriots faced a fouth-and-seventeen situation. Brady, the quarterback for the Patriots threw a pass into the arms of a Charger linebacker. The lineback caught the ball and ran. He also fumbled. The Patriots recovered. The Patriots scored. They won that game and the Super Bowl.
But what about me? I would have batted the ball to the ground. The Chargers would have recovered the ball at the line of scrimmage, seventeen yards from where I was. The Chargers would then have run out the clock, won the game, and advanced maybe even to the Super Bowl.
But what about my lack of skill? This is a bonus in this situation. Even if I had wanted to catch Brady’s throw, I would have dropped the ball. Even if, wonder of wonders, I had caught the ball I probably would have collapsed to the ground.
So either way I would have advanced the chargers to the next playoff game.
2) Gold glover and rightfielder Clint Walker of the Expos catches a flyball in foul territory. He gave the ball to a happy fan. Unfortunately, his catch was only the second out. The Dodger runner on third was able to advance to third.
How would I have been better? First, I knew there was two outs. In fact, I even screamed this fact from my seat behind thirdbase, but Walker never listened. Second, my slowness would have prevented me from getting to the ball. Third, if I had gotten to the ball, there would have been a good chance I would have dropped it.
No caught foul ball, no runner advancing.
Yep, that’s me, sports hero.
- Paul De Lancey, First Lord of Fun
Visit his website at www.lordsoffun.com
www.lordsoffun.com
The next time you admire someone’s butt, or just plain see one, reflect that that butt was once a baby’s bottom. With poop on it. And then a rash. Then the baby screamed and screamed. The parents got no sleep. They went to work cranky.
This is where the miracle of diaper-rash cream comes in. Parents go to the store after work and buys that miraculous balm. Rush home. Apply it to their little cherub’s tushie. Their baby stops cries and they get a good night’s sleep. They awake next morning with enough sleep to avoid committing vehicular manslaughter or going on an axe-murdering rampage. Thank goodness.
So, raise a frosty mug of root beer and toast the makers of diaper rash cream. Even better, leave a carton of the cream on your neighbors’ doorstep; you know the ones with the crying baby. Your neighborhood doesn’t need any more axe murderers.
Send diaper-rash cream to Afghanistan. I think the Taliban might need some.
- Paul De Lancey, First Lord of Fun
Visit his website at www.lordsoffun.com
Oh bean burrito,Dear reader, you can tell
Today, I’m fond of doggerel.
Just don’t put that meatel
In this, my bean burritel.
- Paul De Lancey, First Lord of Fun
Visit his website at www.lordsoffun.com
If I had a time machineWhy, I’d write the
Poem on May 31st,
Get in my time machine
and date the poem May 18th.
Or I’d look at the financial pages
For May 18th and pick the stock
That went up the most.
Nah, people have thought of that.
But no one has ever thought
Of using time travel to write poetry.
I’ll stick to that.
Unless you have a time machine, too.
- Paul De Lancey, First Lord of Fun
visit his website at www.lordsoffun.com
Does anybody know how to reach President Obama or Mr. Limbaugh? They are supposed to guest write my blog when I am on break. Well, I am on break and sad to say, they are neglecting their duties to carry on my post in my absence.
Paul De Lancey, First Lord of Fun
visit his website at www.lordsoffun.com
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