Sunday, September 13, 2009

Domo Arigato, Ansatsu

SamuriJapanese Cherry BlossomsI am offering my services as a linguist to the United Nations. I believe my knowledge of Asian languages will bring about a last peace between America and all the nations of Asia. I submit below, as proof, my extensive Asian vocabulary. Please note some of the Asian words are spelled phonetically for your convenience.

Vietnamese:
Bat dau Tu day = Please form line here.

Indonesian:
Wahdu! = Wow!
Won do kai = Give me money

Chinese:
E, er, san, sue = one, two, three, four (And really how often do we need to count above that?)
Knee how ma = How are you?
Hung how, she she knee = I’m fine thank you.

Korean:
Ann young hah say oh = How are you? (said in a very formal way*)
Jal Haira! = succeed! (Impossible to pronounce correctly.)
Song Gong Ha da = succeed!  (Possible to pronounce.)
Gee Kyub Dah = boring.
* = Well, at least it’s something said in a very formal way.

Japanese:
Domo arigato, ansatsu = thank you very much, assassin
AND I know how to count to 99! in this language.

It’s self evident such knowledge is more than enough for bring harmony and joy to today’s business and political world.  I shall no doubt gain the Nobel Peace. I shall use the above phrases to devastating effect. Thank you.

- Paul De Lancey, First Lord of Fun.
Please visit my website at www.lordsoffun.com

Posted by Paul De Lancey at 01:12:04 | Permalink | No Comments »

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Stop Outsourcing Assassinations!

  Duel GunsWhat can be more American than murder? After all, we commit some 50,000 murders a year; minimal research might verify this. We can all be proud of our number-one status. Sure, many of these murders are committed by amateurs, but the rest are committed by dedicated professionals.

     Ladies and gentleman, the careers of these hard workers are in jeopardy, not from law enforcement but from another source, even more unrelenting.

     Outsourcing. The “O” word.

     First, America’s entire phone-customer service industry went overseas to India. Most of America’s garment workers lost their jobs to China, Indonesia, The Grand Duchy of Fenwick, and Malaysia. Next, the big three automakers idled hundreds of thousands of red-blooded Americans by outsourcing their jobs to Mexico, Brazil, and Peru.

     Okay, I can live with that. But, recently our home-grown assassins have come under attack as syndicates lay off the assassins that made them what they are in favor of cheaper-working assassins from Japan, Russia, Slovenia, and Lower Slobbovia.

      What are America’s idle assassins to do? Killing someone is highly specialized vocation with few transferable skills. Just try applying for the job of head librarian with assassin listed as your last job. And don’t expect your secretive ex-employer to write you a glowing recommendation.

      These newly-unemployed professional killers don’t dare apply for welfare. The good souls processing the unemployment claims most likely turn them into the FBI which frowns on such things.

       What can you and I do to help them? Why if you wish to off some annoying co-worker, family member, or neighbor insist on an American assassin. You’ll feel good about the good deed.

Paul De Lancey, First Lord of Fun
Visit his website at www.lordsoffun.com

Posted by Paul De Lancey at 17:58:19 | Permalink | No Comments »