Sunday, September 27, 2009

Taco Bell Built A Better Ant Trap

TacoChain GunBuggie I took a package of Taco Bell taco shells from the pantry and opened it. To my culinary disquiet, I discovered hundreds and thousands of dead ants trapped inside the inner package. There were so many dead ants around the taco shells it was as if someone had poured pepper inside.

So, we switched to tortillas. But the fact remained, that box and package of Taco Bell hard shell tacos had lured more ants to ant Valhalla than any overt ant-killing product. Well done, Taco Bell.

- Paul De Lancey, First Lord of Fun
please visit my website at www.lordsoffun.com

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Thursday, September 10, 2009

Estee Lauder For Ants

BuggieAnts keep committing suicide by rushing into my refrigerator. They lurk on the periphery waiting to dash in whenever I open the door, even though certain death awaits them.

Why? My wife says ants care only about smell. If they smell a plastic bag that once contained ground beef they will swarm the bag. It doesn’t matter that the beef was completely eaten by my family two days ago. The scent alone will send them into an ant frenzy.

Do scents matter as much to ants’ love lives? Probably. What if you are an ugly female ant, but still want that he-ant hunk? Time after time you see that saucy ant wench swishing her abdomen, spewing her seductive pheremones all over the place. She’s the one that always gets the he-ant.

Until now. Entomologists, philANTropists, and Estee Lauder have developed, with funds from the stimulus package, a scent for would-be belle ants. It’s called Seduction and is available on E*-Bay. Naturally, ants have no money. So, E*-Bay lets the ants work off their debts.

E* Bay = Short for Entomologists’ Bay and should not be confused with that other company.

- Paul De Lancey, First Lord of Fun
Please visit my website at www.lordsoffun.com

Posted by Paul De Lancey in 23:15:53 | Permalink | No Comments »

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

The Suicidal Ants of San Diego County

Buggie 2

    Was it a sign of the end of the world? Should we be stocking up on mini-tacos?

    All I know for sure that in my home town of Poway, cultural and ant capital of San Diego County, the ant population plunged last week. Specifically, they plunged to their deaths by the thousands in my home. In my CowboyMetrics side-by-side refrigerator. In the freezer section.

    Why did they kill themselves in my refrigerator? Was it a long-postponed attempt to lay a guilt trip on me for that childhood ant farm? Where they all died? Honestly, I didn’t mean it. Perhaps I filled my farm with soldier ants from differing colonies. I’ll never know. I’ll just have to leave with the horrible uncertainty for the rest of my life.

    Why did they commit mass suicide where they did? For a full day they streamed into the freezer section to meet their icy deaths. Who among us can really feel an ant’s angst? Were they exo-skeletal weary of the daily, relentless onslaught of spiders, lizards, Rustler’s Round Up ant traps, and the terrifying stomping action of the human foot? Did they finally say, “Enough, cruel world!”

    Or was Norway stirring things up again? After all, this country brought us Viking raids and lutefisk, the worst-tasting, smelliest, glueist food the world has ever seen.

    So, why can’t Norway’s dysfunctional lemmings infect Poway’s ants with their severe brand of defeatism? Before the days of cable TV, I doubt many Powegian ants ever heard of suicidal lemmings. Now, look what happens.

    Mass extinctions of species by suicide. It might be the end of the world. Bummer. Or maybe, I’ve just invented a better ant trap.

- Paul De Lancey, First Lord of Fun

visit Paul’s website at www.lordsoffun.com

Posted by Paul De Lancey in 22:00:03 | Permalink | Comments (2)