Lords of Fun

     Ladies and gentleman, the careers of these hard workers are in jeopardy, not from law enforcement but from another source, even more unrelenting.

     Outsourcing. The “O” word.

     First, America’s entire phone-customer service industry went overseas to India. Most of America’s garment workers lost their jobs to China, Indonesia, The Grand Duchy of Fenwick, and Malaysia. Next, the big three automakers idled hundreds of thousands of red-blooded Americans by outsourcing their jobs to Mexico, Brazil, and Peru.

     Okay, I can live with that. But, recently our home-grown assassins have come under attack as syndicates lay off the assassins that made them what they are in favor of cheaper-working assassins from Japan, Russia, Slovenia, and Lower Slobbovia.

      What are America’s idle assassins to do? Killing someone is highly specialized vocation with few transferable skills. Just try applying for the job of head librarian with assassin listed as your last job. And don’t expect your secretive ex-employer to write you a glowing recommendation.

      These newly-unemployed professional killers don’t dare apply for welfare. The good souls processing the unemployment claims most likely turn them into the FBI which frowns on such things.

       What can you and I do to help them? Why if you wish to off some annoying co-worker, family member, or neighbor insist on an American assassin. You’ll feel good about the good deed.

Paul De Lancey, First Lord of Fun
Visit his website at www.lordsoffun.com

     Hang in there, dudes!

- Paul De Lancey, First Lord of Fun
Visit his website at www.lordsoffun.com

      Neatness does matter. Take our Civil War. Sure 600,000 men died in it. The main point is, of course, that most of the soldiers sported long and carefully tended beards and moustaches. In fact, their facial hair was so well maintained that we see, to this day, thousands upon thousands of pictures of Union and Confederate soldiers and generals with spiffy facial growths.

      Their beards were so well trimmed that hardly anyone in America says anything about the huge number of deaths. And isn’t that the point of a beard?

Paul R. De Lancey, First Lord of Fun
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Visit his website at www.lordsoffun.com

     I hereby pledge never to patrol the streets of Baghdad, or any other Iraqi, with any weapons at all. There, I’ve made the world a safer, happier place.

Paul De Lancey, First Lord of Fun
Visit his website at www.lordsoffun.com

     I’m so proud. I just hope that What’s his name did not make his pronouncement while in the throes of wild abandon.

     Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to open up a cold bottle of root beer to celebrate. 

- Paul R. De Lancey, First Lord of Fun
Visit his website at www.lordsoffun.com

Simple. We annex Afghanistan. That makes all the Afghans Americans. Our troops in Afghanistan will no longer be foreigners. People there will not fight against their fellow countrymen. Resistance will evaporate. We will be able to put up Taco Bells and McDonald’s in every Afghan town in no time. Won’ t those Afghans appreciate McFlurrys? You betcha.

But won’t the world denounce such imperialism? Won’t some countries with millions of troops and thousands of nuclear weapons go to war with us over this? Oh, possibly. That’s why my plan requires a second step.

We trade one of our states for Afghanistan. Since the Democrats currently control the country, might I suggest trading Texas for Afghanistan. The Afghan Taliban would be transported to Texas, giving the Lone Star State an ethnic, linguistic, and religious diversity that has been lacking. As for the Texans who might not cotton to Taliban rule, they could move to Afghanistan. And if the Republicans take power before the politicos in America see the strengths of my plan, they could trade Massachusetts to the Taliban.

Here’s the really brilliant part of my scheme. Suppose, just suppose, the good citizens of Boston and Cambridge don’t really appreciate Taliban government. We could easily just invade Taliban Massachusetts as our troops would have massed in adjacent Connecticut, New Hampshire, New York, Vermont, and Rhode Island. I believe the good ex-Americans of Massachusetts would readily point out the Taliban strongholds to our troops. Victory would be swift and assured.

Certainly there would be some collateral damage in an invasion of Massachusetts. It might take a while to rebuild if the Big Dig is a good example. But it would get done. And we would still have McFlurrys in Afghanistan.

It is all so simple. I wonder why no one else has thought of this.

- Paul De Lancey, First Lord of Fun
Visit his website at  www.lordsoffun.com

The women of Afghanistan. They surely have several strong points of disagreement with the Taliban. We should arm every women in Afghanistan with an AK-47 and let them at the Taliban. I believe those women overwhelm the Taliban with numbers and fury.

Victory over the Taliban would come in a matter of days. But what about the peace that would follow? Remember what happen when we helped the Afghans oust the Soviet invaders? The Taliban took over.

Well, the Taliban consolidated their power because we American men because we are not used to dealing with armed, Afghan extremists. Few of us have had no such neighbors. I haven’t. But we all know of strong willed women. Many of us live with them. Many of them belong to the NRA, so they know their guns and political power. All this experience will make dealing with the newly, armed female government of Afghanistan a breeze.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I going to work on my speech for the Nobel Peace Prize which, no doubt, is in my near future.

- Paul De Lancey, First Lord of Fun
Visit his website at www.lordsoffun.com