Lords of Fun

I am a bad Gateway

1) How many thousands of hours did it take HP’s developers to produce a printer that jams more often than it works?

2) Is more expensive ink used to print out that test page after a jam than for legitimate printing?

3) Why is it PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE to get a desired page printed after a jam without rebooting the computer?

4) Could President Obama rotate some of our brave soldiers out of Afghanistan and replace them with the people who make computer printers? Just asking.

- Paul De Lancey, First Lord of Fun
visit his website at www.lordsoffun.com

Simple. We annex Afghanistan. That makes all the Afghans Americans. Our troops in Afghanistan will no longer be foreigners. People there will not fight against their fellow countrymen. Resistance will evaporate. We will be able to put up Taco Bells and McDonald’s in every Afghan town in no time. Won’ t those Afghans appreciate McFlurrys? You betcha.

But won’t the world denounce such imperialism? Won’t some countries with millions of troops and thousands of nuclear weapons go to war with us over this? Oh, possibly. That’s why my plan requires a second step.

We trade one of our states for Afghanistan. Since the Democrats currently control the country, might I suggest trading Texas for Afghanistan. The Afghan Taliban would be transported to Texas, giving the Lone Star State an ethnic, linguistic, and religious diversity that has been lacking. As for the Texans who might not cotton to Taliban rule, they could move to Afghanistan. And if the Republicans take power before the politicos in America see the strengths of my plan, they could trade Massachusetts to the Taliban.

Here’s the really brilliant part of my scheme. Suppose, just suppose, the good citizens of Boston and Cambridge don’t really appreciate Taliban government. We could easily just invade Taliban Massachusetts as our troops would have massed in adjacent Connecticut, New Hampshire, New York, Vermont, and Rhode Island. I believe the good ex-Americans of Massachusetts would readily point out the Taliban strongholds to our troops. Victory would be swift and assured.

Certainly there would be some collateral damage in an invasion of Massachusetts. It might take a while to rebuild if the Big Dig is a good example. But it would get done. And we would still have McFlurrys in Afghanistan.

It is all so simple. I wonder why no one else has thought of this.

- Paul De Lancey, First Lord of Fun
Visit his website at  www.lordsoffun.com

The women of Afghanistan. They surely have several strong points of disagreement with the Taliban. We should arm every women in Afghanistan with an AK-47 and let them at the Taliban. I believe those women overwhelm the Taliban with numbers and fury.

Victory over the Taliban would come in a matter of days. But what about the peace that would follow? Remember what happen when we helped the Afghans oust the Soviet invaders? The Taliban took over.

Well, the Taliban consolidated their power because we American men because we are not used to dealing with armed, Afghan extremists. Few of us have had no such neighbors. I haven’t. But we all know of strong willed women. Many of us live with them. Many of them belong to the NRA, so they know their guns and political power. All this experience will make dealing with the newly, armed female government of Afghanistan a breeze.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I going to work on my speech for the Nobel Peace Prize which, no doubt, is in my near future.

- Paul De Lancey, First Lord of Fun
Visit his website at www.lordsoffun.com

     We could not see the start of the DMV line due to the curvature of the Earth. Finally, we arrived at the counter. This gave us the right to get a number–G105, it is etched on my brain–so that we wouldn’t have to stand in line.

     While we waited for our number to be called, continental drift pushed the continents of North America and Europe apart by another ten feet.

     Eventually, the DMV called our number. I yelled, “Bingo.” I told my wife the only thing that could stop us would be the crashing of their computer system. This event happened.

     Ironically, the crashing sped things up considerably. With their system down, the DMV employees did not even have to attempt to help people. They just said, “Our system’s down. Come back Monday.”

      My family elected to stay in the hopes of the system coming back up. In the eons that followed my thoughts turned ever more to the Armed Forces recruiting center next door. In the interests of full disclosure, the following could have happened.

      I said to the recruiter, “I’ve been waiting forever at the DMV. The prospect of getting killed in the lonely mountains of Afghanistan no longer holds any terror for me. I just want the opportunity to kill someone, preferably with the government’s blessing. I want to join up. I need to join up.”

     The recruiter nodded. “I hear that all the time. That’s why all our centers are next to DMVs. For how long do you want to sign up?”

     “Well,” I said, “I’d like to get back when the DMV is ready to help me.”

     He scratched his chin. “I reckon two years would be about right. Ready to sign up?”

     “Yes, I am.” I stepped forward.

    “Wait a minute.” He looked at my hair. “How old are you?”

    “Fifty two.”

    He shook his head. “Sorry, that’s our retirement age. We can’t use you. Sorry.” He put his hand on my shoulder. “I feel your pain. I really do.”

    I thanked him for his kindness and left the recruiting center with my head hanging down. I knew where my next eternity would be.

- Paul De Lancey, First Lord of Fun    
Visit his website at www.lordsoffun.com

     First, it makes people really appreciate yesterday’s World Peace and Kindness Day. Second, it is a tentative step to world peace. If we can just get people to hit each other in the nose instead of shooting each other with AK-47s, wouldn’t the world be a better place?

     Wouldn’t this Day and philosophy be a boon to the suffering folks of war-torn Afghanistan?

- Paul R. De Lancey, First Lord of Fun
Visit his website at www.lordsoffun.com

     This is where the miracle of diaper-rash cream comes in. Parents go to the store after work and buys that miraculous balm. Rush home. Apply it to their little cherub’s tushie. Their baby stops cries and they get a good night’s sleep. They awake next morning with enough sleep to avoid committing vehicular manslaughter or going on an axe-murdering rampage. Thank goodness.

     So, raise a frosty mug of root beer and toast the makers of diaper rash cream. Even better, leave a carton of the cream on your neighbors’ doorstep; you know the ones with the crying baby. Your neighborhood doesn’t need any more axe murderers.

     Send diaper-rash cream to Afghanistan. I think the Taliban might need some.

- Paul De Lancey, First Lord of Fun
Visit his website at www.lordsoffun.com