Lords of Fun

I’d Make A Poor Spy

Paul De Lancey — Thu, 18 Mar 2010 03:16:13 +0000

I went to a podiatrist to have an ingrown nail on my big toe removed. The fiend sent several arrows of pain into my big toe in an effort to numb it. I kept thinking, Don’t talk. Don’t talk. The inquisitor started to cut away. My tortured screams told everyone in five counties that the anesthesia had not taken effect. Another round of pain causing anesthesia followed. I wanted to scream out the new spy code, the location of our agents around the world. Anything to make the torture stop.

I had no spy code. I know no agents. I let him cut away. I am a hollow shell of my former self. I shall wander the streets begging for latte and caviar.

- Paul De Lancey, First Lord of Fun
www.lordsoffun.com

I Spur The National Recovery

Paul De Lancey — Tue, 16 Mar 2010 17:58:23 +0000

I am still holding firm to my Lenten promise not to eat mushrooms. At the same time–I cannot believe it is just coincidence–the stock market has been rising and the number of favorable, leading economic indications has been outnumbering the negative ones.

Shucks folks, ‘t’aint’t nothin’.

- Paul De Lancey, First Lord of Fun
www.lordsoffun.com

Death Penalty

Paul De Lancey — Sun, 14 Mar 2010 23:40:03 +0000

While I am steadfastly against the death penalty on many levels, there is one group that deserves to fry until they are extra crispy. They are the evil trolls that design the modern, perpetually self-jamming printer.

Why are our troops fighting in Afghanistan when we have a more insidious, tenacious foe right here in America, designing their pernicious printers of evil?

Delenda est printer designers.

- Paul De Lancey, First Lord of Fun
www.lordsoffun.com

Competition

Paul De Lancey — Sun, 14 Mar 2010 16:45:10 +0000

I noticed from glancing at the online ads that a San Diego mom has lowered her teeth-whitening secret from $4 to $3. At the same time, Fidelity lowered its brokerage fee to $8.

Great news! I can now whiten my teeth, buy a share of Foot Locker, and still have enough money to treat my wife to Jack in the Box. What a country!

- Paul De Lancey, First Lord of Fun
www.lordsoffun.com

Passion

Paul De Lancey — Sat, 13 Mar 2010 16:41:58 +0000

The Canadian curling coach will quit once his contract is up because his Olympic team “… has no passion for the game.”

In curling, someone propels a round, black thingy down the ice. One, or more, teammates sweep the ice ahead of the thingy. People are happy if the thingy goes far. That’s it.

I hate to see this game played without passion. Kinda like watching celebrity paint-drying without the celebrities.

- Paul De Lancey, First Lord of Fun and Head Researcher
www.lordsoffun.com

Good Clean Fun

Paul De Lancey — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 16:27:12 +0000

I once saw in an airport an advertisement enticing people to come in and fire the store’s machine guns for free. This establishment boasted of sixty different automatic weapons and showed a beautiful woman next to a mounted machine gun complete with ammunition belt.

“Honey, what do you say we skip the dinner cruise and shoot some AK-47s instead?”

Note, I recommend against couples going to this place who’ve been quarreling.

- Paul De Lancey, First Lord of Fun
www.lordsoffun.com

Marital Amity

Paul De Lancey — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 21:13:06 +0000

My wife and I discussed at length whether biological or nuclear warfare would cause the most deaths. Normally we try to resolve our differences by the scientific method; in this case, just launch a nuclear missile, poison a water supply and count.

However, in the interests of humanity we decided to try neither approach and just agree to disagree. Beside, our most potent weapon is a hammer and our most fearsome biological one was some wilted lettuce.

So, you may sleep well tonight.

- Paul De Lancey, First Lord of Fun
buy lots of fun stuff at www.lordsoffun.com, stimulate the economy, and end the recession.

We Save The World

Paul De Lancey — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 01:13:01 +0000

My wife decided to mail a rosary in an envelope. Normally, we put our envelopes in the nearest mail box. Today, we gave it to a postal worker along with other mail needing to be weighed. Good thing we did.

The postal worker said that letters from boxes are sorted by machine. The rosary would have jammed their machine and as we were told, “EVERY bit of mail after ours would not be able to be sent.”

No mail, no checks sent. More defaults, including mortgages. The already fragile world would have collapsed. The world government, already in debt to their gills, would have collapsed. Millions of hungry people would have rioted endlessly in search of bread and meat for their families. Military despots would have invaded other countries to secure dwindling food supplies. The losing countries would have launched their nuclear missiles.

Oh my goodness! Nuclear winter! Armageddon!

Thank goodness, we took that letter inside the post office and gave it to a person who put it in the proper bin. Oh dear, I think I need a root-beer restorative.

- Paul De Lancey, First Lord of Fun
www.lordsoffun.com

My Lenten Virtue

Paul De Lancey — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 01:29:24 +0000

I am holding firm to my Lenten pledge not to eat mushrooms. In fact, I am feeling so virtuous I might just extend the pledge to the start of the next Lenten period. I am proud to say I have kept this pledge for decades now.

Of course, there is the following view expressed by the brilliant blogger Natasha Fondren, “Ewww! Not eat mushroom? Is that, like, difficult? They’re tasteless! And slimy! And squidgy! I hate mushrooms.”

Indeed.

Paul De Lancey, First Lord of Fun
www.lordsoffun.com

Another Cause For Fear

Paul De Lancey — Mon, 08 Mar 2010 03:55:00 +0000

I heard today that scientists feel they can modify the behavior of the sea squirt. A sea squirt is a tiny sea-creature thingy that attaches itself to the bottom of your boat where it stays.

Until now.

What will this behavioral shift mean? Will the sea squirts suddenly jump feet first, metaphorically, of course, into la dolce vita and dart a half-inch to the right or will they systematically sabotage all international shipping until we cave into their demand for world domination.

I, for one, hope the sea squirts chose the half-inch shift.

- Paul De Lancey, First Lord of Fun
Please visit my website at www.lordsoffun.com
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