Lords of Fun

Oh hamburger! Oh hamburger!
Recession proof, yet so yummy.
Gastric juices assault you
In my tummy.

Companies making fillet mignon
Are awash in red.
But McD’s is in the green with
Beef and bread.

McD’s with
We can’t afford Lexuses* and fillet mignon.

In recessions, such as this,
People buy more burgers
Because they’re cheap and tasty.
Yum!

- Paul De Lancey, First Lord of Fun
Please visit my website at www.lordsoffun.com and buy food for thought.

* = Is the plural of Lexus, Lexi?

Sales of men’s underwear increased last month. As all good economists know, such sales are the most reliable leading indicator for the economy. Happy days are here again.

- Paul De Lancey, First Lord of Fun
Please visit my website at www.lordsoffun.com

Don’t pour an entire bottle of  bath gel into a bathtub equipped with water jets.  If you do, be prepared to constantly push the burgeoning tower of suds away from your head. Oh, and the suds get everywhere and into every room as you look frantically for a camera to record the monumental event.

- Paul De Lancey, First Lord of Fun
Please visit my website at www.lordsoffun.com

I ran into trouble with the good folks of the Transportation Security Agency on my last flight. I put all my stuff on the conveyor belt, including my ever worrisome shoes, to be scanned by the x-ray machine. Suprisingly enough, my impedimenta concerned them.

I was told to come over to one side and open a carry-on bag. I had no idea what upset them. An agent went through my bag. So, did another agent. After conferring they closed the bag and resent it through the x-ray machine. I was given the all clear.

But I had to know. What had caused this mighty Federal agency to quake. They told me it was a book. Really, I said. Yes really. Something about the book worried them, something little, something about the pages.

Anyway for those interest in subversive activities, the autobiographical book is called, Frank McCourt, Teacher Man. Just don’t try to carry it onto the same plane as mine. I tend to worry a lot.

- Paul De Lancey, First Lord of Fun
Please visit my website at www.lordsoffun.com

My older son is torn between being Darth Vader and a mariachi for Halloween. Perhaps he’ll combine the two and be Mariachi Vader. “Luke, yo soy su padre.”

- Paul De Lancey, First Lord of Fun
Please visit my website at www.lordsoffun.com

It’s true!* We recently replaced our old toaster, “Old Reliable.” Unfortunately “Old Reliable” had only two slots and we wanted a toaster with four slots for more rapid toasting of hamburger buns. Do not weep for the old toaster. We are putting it up for adoption at Salvation Army where we are confident it will find a loving, but less demanding family.

Anyway, we bought a Cuisinart four-slotter. It is efficient. It gleams. It lets two buns be toasted differently than the other two buns. It defrosts. It reheats. It pushes the bread farther out of the holes when done.

It also looks a lot like an android from Star Wars or a midget Imperial Storm Trooper. I might be overly worried, but just in case, I’m packing up the mini-van for a quick escape.

- Paul De Lancey, First Lord of Fun
Please visit my website at www.lordsoffun.com

* = It could be true. Or strongly hypothetical.

Oh root beer! Oh root beer!
You are so dear. You bring good cheer
To all of us, far and near,
Even to that Iraqi deer.

You heal the stomach from acid
With your saving belches.
You even heal headaches
When you have caffeine.

But most of all, you heal our souls.
Even the Great Recession seems okay
And even operas are fun
With just one sip of you, dear root beer.

The cop at the speed trap seems less greedy.
The lawn in front appears less weedy.
Evil eyes look less beady.
Because of you dear root beer.

- Paul De Lancey, First Lord of Fun
Please visit my website at www.lordsoffun.com

Today is NAFTA’s–North American Free Trade Association’s-Annual Papaya Day. By the law of the treaty, we are all required to consume a pound of papayas by eating, drinking, or taking enemas. Papaya Day used to be celebrated only in Mexico, but again by the terms of the treaty so do we. In return, Mexico celebrates the Fourth of July.

Be sure to consume your papayas. The NAFTA-Papaya police have authority to raid your homes and arrest you for non-eating of papayas.

- Paul De Lancey, First Lord of Fun
Visit my web site at www.lordsoffun.com

I am not referring to sluggish toddlers, as if there were such a thing. A lazy Susan is a rotating plate that sits in the middle of the kitchen table. Instead of asking someone else to pass the bowl of cheese, you merely rotate the lazy Susan until the cheese is in front of you. It is ideal for put-it-together-yourself meals such as tacos or burgers.

Now I know that a lazy Susan has nowhere near the memory capacity or song-organizing capability of an iPod. However, the iPod does a remarkable poor job of moving the carne-asada bowl around the dinner table. Let’s call it a tie.

But none of the local stores sell 20″ lazy Susans, while you can find iPods everywhere. Just thought you should know.

- Paul De Lancey, First Lord of Fun
Please visit my website at www.lordsoffun.com

I have been getting blog.commed lately. Every time I tried to log on to blog.com to update my blog which provides untold hope to millions around the globe, blog.com presented me with the following message:

502 Bad Gateway

Is “Bad Gateway” the same as “Bad Dog?” How did my Gateway go bad? Did it fall in with a bad crowd? Experiment with drugs? Would my 501 Gateway have done better? Do I even get a choice of Gateways? Is this like the eternal question, “Does God give us free will?”

Anyway, I am quite glad that voting in Afghanistan came off during my blog’s absence.

- Paul De Lancey, First Lord of Fun

Please visit my website at www.lordsoffun.com