Evil Airlines
With the exception of Southwest Airlines, most airlines view their passengers as annoyances or cash cows rather than as customers. As long as they get you there eventually they can charge you all sorts of fees. And with my last round trip eventually meant five gate changes, three airplanes that wouldn’t take off, and a six-hour delay on the way out and a two-hour delay on the way back.
Anyway, if they really want to stick their hands deeper into our wallets may I suggest the following fees.
1) Continuation Fee. Have the pilot announce a surcharge of $150 halfway through the flight if they want to plane to continue to its destination. If not see, Fee 2)
2) Parachute Fee: $50. I suggest reading the parachuting instructions in your front-seat pocket.
3) Smooth Landing Fee: Pay $35 or you’ll get a bumpy landing.
4) Seat Cushion Fee: Pay $25 if you want a cushion on your seat.
5) Sitting Fee: Pay $45 if you want to sit down and since standing is illegal for much of the flight, well . . .
6) No Cry-Baby Fee: Pay $82.50 or the airline will sit you next to a crying baby. Should, for some reason, not cry the flight attendants will pop balloons next to the little one until it does.
6) On-Time Fee: Pay $100 if you want to the plane not be more than two-hours late departing.
7) Proper English Fee: Pay $5,000 if do not want to hear the phrase, “Full and complete stop.” You will hear instead, “Full and incomplete stop.”
9) Potty Fee: $4 in quarters will be needed to use the lavatories.
10) Flush Fee: $10 if you want to flush the little present the previous occupant gave you.
11) Crossword Puzzle Fee: $2 for an in-flight magazine with an unused crossword puzzle.
- Paul De Lancey, First Lord of Fun
Visit his website at www.lordsoffun.com
