Lords of Fun

Simple. We annex Afghanistan. That makes all the Afghans Americans. Our troops in Afghanistan will no longer be foreigners. People there will not fight against their fellow countrymen. Resistance will evaporate. We will be able to put up Taco Bells and McDonald’s in every Afghan town in no time. Won’ t those Afghans appreciate McFlurrys? You betcha.

But won’t the world denounce such imperialism? Won’t some countries with millions of troops and thousands of nuclear weapons go to war with us over this? Oh, possibly. That’s why my plan requires a second step.

We trade one of our states for Afghanistan. Since the Democrats currently control the country, might I suggest trading Texas for Afghanistan. The Afghan Taliban would be transported to Texas, giving the Lone Star State an ethnic, linguistic, and religious diversity that has been lacking. As for the Texans who might not cotton to Taliban rule, they could move to Afghanistan. And if the Republicans take power before the politicos in America see the strengths of my plan, they could trade Massachusetts to the Taliban.

Here’s the really brilliant part of my scheme. Suppose, just suppose, the good citizens of Boston and Cambridge don’t really appreciate Taliban government. We could easily just invade Taliban Massachusetts as our troops would have massed in adjacent Connecticut, New Hampshire, New York, Vermont, and Rhode Island. I believe the good ex-Americans of Massachusetts would readily point out the Taliban strongholds to our troops. Victory would be swift and assured.

Certainly there would be some collateral damage in an invasion of Massachusetts. It might take a while to rebuild if the Big Dig is a good example. But it would get done. And we would still have McFlurrys in Afghanistan.

It is all so simple. I wonder why no one else has thought of this.

- Paul De Lancey, First Lord of Fun
Visit his website at  www.lordsoffun.com

The women of Afghanistan. They surely have several strong points of disagreement with the Taliban. We should arm every women in Afghanistan with an AK-47 and let them at the Taliban. I believe those women overwhelm the Taliban with numbers and fury.

Victory over the Taliban would come in a matter of days. But what about the peace that would follow? Remember what happen when we helped the Afghans oust the Soviet invaders? The Taliban took over.

Well, the Taliban consolidated their power because we American men because we are not used to dealing with armed, Afghan extremists. Few of us have had no such neighbors. I haven’t. But we all know of strong willed women. Many of us live with them. Many of them belong to the NRA, so they know their guns and political power. All this experience will make dealing with the newly, armed female government of Afghanistan a breeze.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I going to work on my speech for the Nobel Peace Prize which, no doubt, is in my near future.

- Paul De Lancey, First Lord of Fun
Visit his website at www.lordsoffun.com

- Paul R. De Lancey, Poet Laureate of the Lords of Fun
visit his website at www.lordsoffun.com

I beg to differ. Newspapers are essential to our society. In increasing order of importance, I listed compelling reasons for this medium to survive, indeed to thrive.

1) Newspapers constitute the only medium that pretends to do investigative journalism. And no, Lewinsky’s cigar doesn’t count.

2) Newspapers are still our best watch dogs for governmental abuses.

3) It’s fun to scan all the many story titles and pick which ones to read.

4) You don’t have to boot up newspaper with Microsoft Vista to read the news.

5) You can easily balance a cup of coffee on your newspaper. Just try doing that on your laptop.

6) If you spill that coffee cup on your newspaper, you’re only out one section of a 75c newspaper. If you spill the coffee into the innards of your laptop, you’ll hear all sorts of hissing as it dies an electronic death. And the cost of the replacement laptop could run about a thousand dollars.

7) You can’t line a bird cage with internet news or a nightly broadcast.

You can’t wrap fish with internet news.

9) Newspapers keep the ink industry healthy. Do we really want to bail out the ink companies?

10) You don’t need to rely on your paper-jamming printer to get a print copy of a really exciting article.

11) A newspaper might even hire me. Hint, hint. San Diego Union-Tribune. For pay, even.

Paul De Lancey, First Lord of Fun
Visit his website at

www.lordsoffun.com

    How did we all learn to cuss before Microsoft Vista and jamming printers?

- Paul De Lancey, First Lord of Fun
Visit his website at www.lordsoffun.com

     I have the solution. America must annex all the other eight planets. For our purposes, we must consider Pluto a planet. Sure, all the other countries might consider that an act of aggression and imperialism. But what would they do about it? Would Greece go to war with us over Neptune? I doubt it.

     We will auction off the naming rights to all the planets to major corporations in much the same way baseball teams auction the names to companies, e.g., Petco Park. A planet is much more prestigious than a ball park so its naming rights would cost a lot more.

     How much more? A trillion dollars per planet, in fact. It would be nice if the initials of the sponsored planets remained the same so that our mnemonic devices would still hold. Be prepared to recite the following names:

McDonald’s
Viagra
Excedrin
Mars Bar
JV’s-a really good local, Mexican restaurant. I doubt, though, they have a trillion dollars
       in their advertising budget.
Sears
Upjohn
Nabisco
Peter Pan

Paul De Lancey
Visit his website at www.lordsoffun.com

    Thanks goodness Obama never heard about this when he was a kid dreaming of becoming President of The United States. People could have always told him, “Barack, be realistic. America will never elect an African-American to the Presidency. It is a matter of speculation that he always said, “Well tiny Pluto is still a planet just as good as massive Jupiter. Maybe I can amount to something. Maybe I can become President of The United States. Yes, Pluto still is. Yes, I can.”

    Then Pluto lost its planethood. But Barack was already well established in his political career. But what if Pluto got demoted before he got started? Makes you think. Makes you want to reach for a frosty mug of root beer.

- Paul De Lancey, First Lord of Fun
Visit his website at www.lordsoffun.com

1) School parking lots just before and after school. Demolition derby, anyone.
2) Mushrooms. Why were they created?
3) Departments of Motor Vehicles.
4) The Stamp Act of 1775. I’m gradually getting over this one.
5) Simultaneous scheduling of kids’ baseball games.
6) Tic-tac-toe when played against professionals.
7) The lines for food in the bleachers of any Major League Baseball team.
Teeth retainers. Not as bad as braces, but they still enter my dreams.
9) The number 172,897. Don’t know why.
10) The uneasy feeling that the treaty of Westphalia in 1648, the one that ended the Thirty Years War, will somehow lead to our government banning tacos and root beer.
11) I will have to take a test tomorrow morning in econometrics and I have not looked at the course’s text book in over two decades.
12) I will somehow be out in public wearing plaid pajamas.
13) Public restrooms without toilet paper.

- Paul De Lancey, First Lord of Fun
www.lordsoffun.com

      ARKANSAS ALLIGATOR FARM AND PETTING ZOO

     “Augghh!”

     Snap.

     “Mommy, where’s Daddy?”

-Paul R. De Lancey, First Lord of Fun
visit his website at www.lordsoffun.com

Walk out, laundry
I say, walk out.
Clean yourself.
Come back clean.

But the laundry
never listens.
Bad laundry,
Go to your room.

There will be laundry
Until we die.
Does life cause laundry
or does laundry cause life?

- Paul De Lancey, First Lord of Fun
Visit his website at www.lordsoffun.com