Tomorrow, at 5 a.m. on ESPN4 is the championship game for Risk–the board game of global domination. Be sure to go online and reserve your seat for this exciting event. Held at Poway’s elegant Sven Erickson Hall, this promises to be the celebrity event of the year.
Be there or be prepared to lie afterward that you did.
- Paul De Lancey, First Lord of Fun
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Visit his website at www.lordsoffun.com
Today is National Swedish Meatball Day. Today we celebrate that most wondrous meatball. Don’t forget to give thanks to all those Swedish chefs who came to our country in the 1880s. Would the Wild Culinary West have been tamed without them? I don’t think so. So pack up the kids. Head to your local smorgasbord to enjoy and give thanks. Taks a mikka.
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Paul R. De Lancey, First Lord of Fun
How many of you have seen those signs in doctors’ offices warning you to call within twenty-four hours to cancel your appointment or be charged for a visit? How many of you have had to reschedule because you were a few minutes late? The answer, of course, is everyone in America.
I have a modest proposal. Reduce the doctors’ fees by one dollar for every minute they are late. They really shouldn’t be behind schedule. They must spend less than one minute with each of us. What do they do with the other twenty-nine minutes they are supposed to be spending with us? Probably snuggling with a nurse, reading another chapter of The Total Idiots Guide to Treating Patients, or eating Swedish Meatballs.
Brilliant as the above solution is and since this country is probably not ready for socialized medicine, I propose another solution. Hire actors to impersonate doctors at clinics. This would get a heck of actors off of welfare without making medical care suffer. After all, most doctors just glance at a chart, say, “What seems to be the problem?” and prescribe a random antibiotic. An actor could do that.
- Paul De Lancey, First Lord of Fun
visit his website at www.lordsoffun.com
On my last Southwest Airlines flight, the flight attendant gave me a small bag of honey-roasted peanuts. The back of the bag had the warning, “Produced in a facility that processes peanuts and other nuts.”
- Paul De Lancey, First Lords of Fun
visit his website at www.lordsoffun.com
In the interests of reducing the number of American flyers that might be killed by terrorists, the TSA instituted some sort of new policy that apparently does nothing to stop terrorism but clearly lengthens lines and increases your total trip times by another thirty minutes and makes it more likely that you’ll miss your flight.
The TSA’s apparent strategy is to so inconvenience us when we travel by air that we will never fly again. If we don’t fly, the terrorists cannot blow us in midair.
However, the TSA seems to take a long time between new ideas. It’s been years since we stymied the baddies by taking away our 6.5 ounce tubes of toothpaste. And was it a decade ago when we struck a blow for freedom by requiring our intrepid travelers to take off their shoes before boarding our flight. In the interests of radically reducing any chance of air passengers being offed by terrorists, I offer to the TSA the following measures free of charge.
1) Ban all passengers from domestic flights. This is blindingly simple. If passengers cannot board planes they cannot be blown up in midair.
2) Require all passengers with last names beginning with A-Z to submit to back-to-back colonoscopies. I guarantee this measure alone will limit the number of passengers on board.
3) Have an F-14 fighter jet blow our passenger planes out of the air. Drastic perhaps, but if we blow up our own planes, the enemy cannot. Simple.
4) Have the TSA flip a coin when you get to them in line. If the coin comes up heads, they kill you. Again, I guarantee no one will want to ever fly again. This idea is even better than the second idea on two counts. First, we need to only kill half as many of own citizens as in 2). Second, in this time of budget crisis, can we really afford to give the TSA a fighter plane for each airport? For goodness sake.
5) Change the lines from back-and-forth ones that eventually end up with the passenger passing through security to a circular one in which the plucky traveler will shuffle forward in an endless circle.
6) Make every passenger give ten quarts of blood to the TSA so that they can test for the presence of N3-B19 in our bloodstream. As we all know the enzyme N3-B19 is an infallible predictor of violent aggression 80% of the time.
7) Allow people to board planes who understand their telephone bills. No terrorist will ever board one of our planes again. Neither will legitimate travelers. Again, if they cannot fly, they cannot be shot down.
- Paul De Lancey, First Lord of Fun
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Visit his website at www.lordsoffun.com
Greetings! Many of you are reacting with dismay with Obama’s choice of Ms. Sotomayor for the Supreme Court. Oh no, you must be thinking, not another superbly talented candidate for that august body. Why not pick Paul De Lancey to fill the upcoming Supreme Court vacancy? He is one of us–unqualified.But you can rest assured that someone on President Obama’s politically astute staff will soon recognize my king-maker status and will seek to placate me. The nomination to the Supreme Court will soon become mine. I shall pass the confirmation hearings with flying colors; Mr. Limbaugh owes me a favor. I promise to adjudicate wisely on all the cases brought before me.
Whatever.
- Paul De Lancey, First Lord of Fun
visit his website at www.lordsoffun.com
Baseball should be funUntil they get paid
Then they can frown
And take steroids
Until their organs fail.
- Paul De Lancey, First Lord of Fun
visit his website at www.lordsoffun.com
This post goes out to my wife on our anniversary. Thank you for a wonderful twelve years. I love you so much.
- Paul De Lancey, your adoring husband
If I had a time machineWhy, I’d write the
Poem on May 31st,
Get in my time machine
and date the poem May 18th.
Or I’d look at the financial pages
For May 18th and pick the stock
That went up the most.
Nah, people have thought of that.
But no one has ever thought
Of using time travel to write poetry.
I’ll stick to that.
Unless you have a time machine, too.
- Paul De Lancey, First Lord of Fun
visit his website at www.lordsoffun.com
Does anybody know how to reach President Obama or Mr. Limbaugh? They are supposed to guest write my blog when I am on break. Well, I am on break and sad to say, they are neglecting their duties to carry on my post in my absence.
Paul De Lancey, First Lord of Fun
visit his website at www.lordsoffun.com
A blog of great importance for all who think so.
