Lords of Fun

     Before stepping on the scale you must:

1) Pee. Sorry, pee molecules have weight. The scale doesn’t care which molecules add to your weight. Peeing is an easy way to lose weight. Do it.

2) Poo. Same reasoning as above.

3) Wipe afterward. It’s the hygenic thing to do. It’s gross not to do and those cling-ons add to your weight.

4) Brush your teeth and floss. Those particles between your teeth add to your weight and besides who the heck wants to visit a dentist?

5) Clip your nails.

6) Shave the hair on your body even if it’s one-day’s growth on your lip. Hair molecules add to your scale weight.

7) Spit and sneez.

Peel an onion. As you cry, tear molecules will leave your body by the dozens.

9) Did you recently spend too much time in the Sun? Check to see if you can peel off some dead skin.

10) Fart. Not many molecules lost with this one. Still, it adds up. If you’re unable to toot, move onto the next step.

11) Weigh yourself nude. Clothes are easy pounds to lose.

12) Weigh yourself in the morning or as late as possible before you eat or get dressed.

13) Weigh your self on the proper spot on the bathroom scale. THIS IS ESSENTIAL! Your registered weight fluctuates wildly depending where you stand on the scale. Remember, the scale doesn’t know where you stand. This is a critical advantage. Use it. Find that scale’s sweet, or low-poundage spot.

13) Use projections. If your weight decreased by a pound from Monday to Tuesday, it’s certainly statistically reasonable to assume you shall lose a pound every day, say, for a week.

     See how easy it is to lose weight. Follow this sure-method and in no time your registered weight on your bathroom scale will plummet. Why, you might not have to even eat less or exercise. Go for it!

- Paul De Lancey, First Lord of Fun
visit his website at www.lordsoffun.com

     My favorite headlines:

1) Archaelogists Find Skeleton of Satan, Call It the Find of the Century.
    Expert Analysis: Of come on. Proof that Satan existed? Proof that he died? With Satan gone will we never again be tempted to take that last slice of key-lime pie when no one is looking? All this and only the find of the century? What’s a baddie to do to get millennial billing?

2) Ten New Ways to Talk to the Dead.
    Expert Analysis: Boy, am I red faced on this one. I didn’t even know the ten old ways.

3) Tap the Amazing Healing Power of Ketchup.
    Expert Analysis: I knew it. Soon, those scientists will find out about the wondrous properties of tacos , Swedish meatballs, and root beer.

4) Woman Steals Three Headed Baby.
    Expert Analysis: This one always brings a tear to my eyes; your average Jane Baby-Stealer will never again get press by stealing two-headed babies ever again.

    Well, that is all the headlines I can remember. So if you’ll excuse me I’m going to the kitchen for a ketchup sandwich

- Paul De Lancey, First Lord of Fun

visit his website at www.lordsoffun.com

     Face it, no one would buy a paper if it led with “Most People Die in Sleep After a Long Life.” Or wouldn’t they? What if the titles were, “Sleep, The Silent Agent of Death,” or “Death, What it Means to You?” “Prolonging Life With Sleep Deprivation,” “Can Naps Cause Death?” “The World Sleeps, The World Dies,” or “Will You Wake Up at All Tomorrow?” If the above headlines don’t strike fear in you, then you are tired and need to sleep.

- Paul De Lancey, First Lord of Fun
visit his website at www.lordsoffun.com

It makes air. It is beauty
To rake it leaves, I bust my booty.
I chop its branches. Inside it bleeds.
I really hate picking up its seeds.

It bears me fruit. It gives and gives.
I’ll chop it down. I hate olives.
One day, I’ll die. I’ll be gone.
It’s leaf dropping ways will carry on.

- Paul De Lancey, First Lord of Fun
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visit his website at www.lordsoffun.com

Another company announced continuing financial woes. This made the value of its debt  fall and the overall value of the company to rise. Its shares soared in value.

Now you know what to look for when investing in the stock market.

- Paul De Lancey, First Lord of Fun
visit his website at www.lordsoffun.com

     You’re welcome.

- Paul R. De Lancey, First Lord of Fun
visit his website at www.lordsoffun.com

- Paul De Lancey, First Lord of Fun
visit his website at www.lordsoffun.com

But perhaps they are merely humor challenged as many of their actions seem to indicate. Either way, they have taken a public-relations hit with me.

-Paul R. De Lancey, First Lord of Fun
visit his website at www.lordsoffun.com

- Paul De Lancey, First Lord of Fun
visit his website at www.lordsoffun.com